A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results
came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the
instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all
through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".
WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the
other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating
Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker
that said, 'Obama in '08.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
DON'T MISUNDERSTAND:
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her tail downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Cough Medicine
John was a clerk in a large nationwide drugstore chain. While he was a hard worker, he wasn't much of a salesman. To make matters worse, he could never find the item the customer wanted. Anthony, the pharmacist, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Anthony's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax (a laxative) and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Anthony had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Anthony shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
With us getting older, perhaps these would be more appropriate words for Julie Andrews’ song MY FAVORITE THINGS.
(Sing It!) If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don ' t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin ' ,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin ' ,
And we won ' t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don ' t feel so bad.
