DON'T FORGET TO CLICK ON THE VIDEO & AUDIO PAGE LINK ON THE LEFT MENU'S ALSO
THIS PAGE UPDATED 2/9/10 - WELCOME TO MY JOKES PAGE
Some may want to put your coffee down before reading some of these jokes as one or more of the jokes may result in someone needing a new keyboard. Many of the jokes were donated by those working in the medical offices, so while they may seem like just jokes, they could very well be actual accounts of what happened. Sometimes - the best jokes are not really jokes at all - but they are real life events. Anyway - if we have some good jokes - but only clean jokes, please send them to us & let us see if we want to add them to the page.
SOMEONE MIGHT MISUNDERSTAND…
We were dressed & ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet & put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company & requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived & we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to make it to the closet, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep from getting scratched. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs & threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
GETTING OLDER MEANS…
• You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Getting lucky means finding your car in the parking lot.
• An all-nighter means not getting up to urinate!
FADING MEMORY
Two gentlemen were talking, & one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant & it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought & thought & finally said, "What is the name of that flower we give to someone we love? The one that's red & has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen & yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think we should write, "A Good Doctor!"
“We had a patient call in yesterday morning, obviously still half asleep, to tell us that he was going to be late. The reason? He had left a message with our answering service that we were to call him in the morning & wake him for his appointment, so it was OUR FAULT!”
EAR DROPS
A woman brought the baby to see a doctor, & he determined right away that the baby had an earache, and wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions it was written, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" & the word "right" was abbreviated as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, & the woman returned with the baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, & his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops & sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
? Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
? Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
? British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
? Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
? Miners Refuse to Work after Death
? Eye Drops Off Shelf
? Teachers Strike Idle Kids
? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
? Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
? New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
AADDD
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I started
toward the garage, I spot the mail on the hall table. I should, go through
the mail before I wash the car. I lay the keys on the table, put the junk
mail in the trash can by the table, & notice that the trash can is full.
So, I put the bills back on the table & decide to take out the trash
first.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the trash, I might
as well pay the bills first. I see my checkbook on the table, but there is only one check left. My extra
checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk, where I find the
bottle of juice that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the juice aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. But the juice is getting warm, & should be, put in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.
Heading toward the kitchen with the juice, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye. They need to be watered. I set the juice on the counter, and
find my glasses, for which I've been searching all morning. I had better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. Tonight
when we sit down to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody
will remember that it's on the kitchen table. I should put it back in the
den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water
on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote
back down on the table, & get some towels to wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At
the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a
warm bottle of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, & I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
I'm trying to figure out, why nothing got done today. It's baffling because
I know I was busy all day, & I'm really tired.
CHURCH BULLETINS & ANNOUNCEMENTS
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out & watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children & don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital & needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping & requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Irving Benson & Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell? Come early & listen to our choir practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members & to the deterioration of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, & other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
16. Place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Attend & hear an excellent speaker & heave a healthy lunch.
17. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, & gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer & medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement .
20. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket & come prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.
24. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
26. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
27. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High"
THE ZOO
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when the biker sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs the girl by the cuff of her jacket & tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage & hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, & the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant & brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, & acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, & tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...So, what is your occupation and what is your political affiliation?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine & a Republican.'
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, & reads, on front page:
U. S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance & HMO
paperwork & was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, and decideing to become a mechanic.
The doctor went to the local technical college, signed up for classes,
attended diligently, & learned it all. When the time for the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks & completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results
came back, he was surprised to find that a score of
150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said,
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was
worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the
instructor added, "I awarded an extra 50% because it was all done
through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".
WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the
other day I went downtown & into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, & when I came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? The cop ignored me & continued writing the ticket.
I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me & wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating
Gestapo.' The policeman finished the second ticket & put it on the windshield with the first. Then a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets the cop wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, & the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker
that said, 'Obama in '08.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother & father."
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries & even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot & the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
DON'T MISUNDERSTAND:
We were dressed & ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet & put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company & requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived & we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the
house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her tail downstairs & threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Cough Medicine
John was a clerk in a large nationwide drugstore chain. While John was a hard worker, John wasn't much of a salesman. To make matters worse, he could never find the item the customer wanted. Anthony, the pharmacist, had about enough & warned John that the next sale missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing & he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Anthony's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax (a laxative) & told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said & then walked outside & leaned against a lamp post.
Anthony had seen the whole thing & came over to ask John what had transpired.
"The customer wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax & told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Anthony shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
With us getting older, perhaps these would be more appropriate words for Julie Andrews’ song MY FAVORITE THINGS.
(Sing It!) If it's sung, its especially hysterical!!!
Botox & nose drops & needles for knitting,
Walkers & handrails & new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillac's & cataracts, hearing aids & glasses,
Polident & Fixodent & false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts & porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don ' t feel so bad.
Hot tea & crumpets & corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes & heating pads & hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains & no need for sinnin ' ,
Thin bones & fractures & hair that is thinnin ' ,
And we won ' t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don ' t feel so bad.
