Newspaper Headlines that will make you laugh - Word file - added 11/22/04

More Funny Quotes - Word file - added 2/5/08

Advice From Don on Diet & Exercise - Word file - - not to be taken seriously

GREAT QUOTES

Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely,truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

DON'T MISUNDERSTAND:

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi, since we might choose to have a few drinks. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Good-bye to my mother.'
“A few minutes later, I get into the cab, not knowing what my wife had told the driver. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her tail downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.



Cough Medicine

John was a clerk in a large nationwide drugstore chain. While he was a hard worker, he wasn't much of a salesman. To make matters worse, he could never find the item the customer wanted. Anthony, the pharmacist, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Anthony's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax (a laxative) and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Anthony had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Anthony shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Some MEGA MORONS - True Stories (text)

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Excuses & Definitions found on Accident Insurance Forms

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