FUNNIEST JOKES I RECEIVED IN AUGUST AND SEPTEMBER The Dying Man's Wish A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked." At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested." Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars." ******************************************************************* WRONG THINGS TO SAY TO A POLICEMAN WHEN THEY PULL YOU OVER... Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid. - Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. - Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? - Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license? - You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. - "Bad Cop! No Donut!" - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. - You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? - Didn't I see you get your tail kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? - Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my next to my girlfriend's bed. - I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. - So, uh, you "on the take", or what? - Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! - Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. - So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? - Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. - Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's? ******************************************************************* Golf Joke A golfers wife got very worried when her husband didn't come home until 8 hours after he left for the golf course. When he got home she asked him what happened. He said that Bob hit a beautful shot on the 2 hole, he then keeled over dead. His wife said that was terrible. The golfer says "It sure was, all day it was hit the ball, drag Bob, Hit the ball, drag Bob" ******************************************************************** SEMINARS FOR MALES 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You, too, can do housework 3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut. 4. How to fill an ice tray. 5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money. 6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am. 7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled "Don't wash my silks"). 8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception. 9. Get a life -- learn to cook. 10. How not to get upset when you're obviously wrong. 11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right. 12. Understanding your financial incompetence. 13. You -- The Weaker Sex. 14. Reasons to give flowers. 15. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom. 16. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb. 17. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly "No, it's not a bidet"). 18. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms. 19. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost. 20. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency. 21. Romanticism - Ideas other than sex. 22. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes. 23. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too. 24. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home. 25. You too can be a designated driver. 26. Seeing the true you (formerly "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!"). 27. Changing your underwear -- It really works. 28. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary. 29. Techniques for calling home. SEMINARS FOR WOMEN 1. "Are you ready to leave?" -- Definition of the word "yes". 2. Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?") 3. Elementary Map Reading. 4. Crying and law enforcement. 5. Advanced Math Seminar -- Program your VCR. 6. You can go shopping for less then 4 hours. 7. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast. 8. The Seven-Outfit Week. 9. PMS -- It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty -- Deal With It). 10. Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission. 11. Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights. 12. Driving III: Approximating a constant speed. 13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving--It's As Simple As Oil and Water. 14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game--A Sacrament. 15. Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You"). 16. How to Earn Your Own Money. 17. Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good). 18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side. 19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup. 20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry. 21. We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LET'S LET IT DROP. 22. MYOB: Proper response to other couple's public arguments. 23. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels. 24. What Goes Around Comes Around--Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy. 25. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out. 26. Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock). 27. "To Honor and Obey:" Remembering the small print above "I Do". 28. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House. ******************************************************************* The Seaman and The Pirate! An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook." ***************************************************************** The Top 10 Famous Last Words 1. "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez 2. "Responding to the liberal media's biased coverage, these fine young members of the Republican House Caucus are standing behind me to show their full support for my continued Speakership." 3. "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader 4. "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk 5. "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie 6. "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..." 7. "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer 8. "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley 9. "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect **************************************************************** HEAVY BOOTS About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching assistant (TA) was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just float away if you let go of it on the Moon. My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room, I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like "What's your problem?" "But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more slowly" I protested. "No it wouldn't," the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far away from the Earth's gravity." Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, didn't you?" I countered. "Why didn't they float away?" "Because they were wearing heavy boots," he responded, as if this made perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of logic classes). By then I realized that we were each living in totally different worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "How can all those people be so stupid?!" I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time, but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake." To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people and asked each this question: 1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go, will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the ground? About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question: 2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, why didn't they fall off? About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing heavy boots." ***************************************************************** The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, It's 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" **************************************************************** The Best Part of Waking Up! A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'" ****************************************************************** A REALLY ROUGH DAY Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!" ********************************************************************* Thinking your day is bad? Check this out and maybe you'll change your mind! * Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched. * Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled. ******************************************************************* WE NEED MORE LAWS????? In Clarendon, TX., it is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster..... In Borger, TX., it is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. (Real party poopers) Portland, ME., makes it illegal to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster. Georgia law provides that it is a misdemeanor for any citizen to attend church worship on Sunday unless he is equipped with a rifle and it is loaded. It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding. In Racine, WS., it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. In Fort Madison, IA., the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. San Francisco prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash. In Normal, IL., it is against the law to make faces at dogs. (hmmm, canine or human??) Hartford, CT., makes it illegal to educate dogs. (see above) A Belvedere, CA., City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." In Paulding, OH., a policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. A law passed in Denver says that the dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. In Tennessee, you can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. In Cleveland, it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. Kansas law prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat. Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light. Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. *********************************************************************** THE GENIE A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" ********************************************************************* THE VACATION The final leg of your cross country drive finds you curiously divided between stupor and rage. You sit in a layer of dried french fries and eviscerated taco innards and listen dispassionately to the ongoing intellectual debate between your children: "Could you PLEASE stop doing that with your lips?" "Stop doing what?" "Making those gross wet noises. You keep LICKING YOUR LIPS." "You mean like this?" "DAD! He keeps LICKING HIS LIPS!" Though your "good parenting" training calls for you to urge upon your children the adult traits of reason and compromise, your impulse is to open the back door and fling everyone out onto the pavement. How can it possibly matter that your son is licking his lips when the dog is riding with its nose sticking into the jet stream outside the window, sneezing so explosively every two miles that everything in the car has become covered with dog mist? And if you roll the window up, the dog whines, sobs, and ultimately barfs. Your wife is no help in adjudicating the dispute: you've been having a raging argument with her for two days, though neither of you has spoken a single word to one another since East St. Louis. Okay: just how much farther can it possibly be? That damn Jefferson and his stupid Louisiana purchase, buying up all this land between your house and the ocean! "Dad, he licked his lips again!" The maniacal glint in your eye shocks them into silence as you twist in your seat. "Stop licking your lips or I'll rip them off!" you hiss. "And you, stop hitting your brother!" "I'm not!" she protests. "But you will, and when you do, stop it!" you snarl. "Wow, Dad's really lost it," your son admires. "Is Mr. Mugster in the car?" you demand for the hundredth time in the past hour. Mr. Mugster is a stuffed gorilla whose accidental abandonment at a Stuckey's restaurant forced you to backtrack two hundred miles. These were hard, Missouri miles, where corn has overtaken all other life forms on the planet. You have the feeling that had it been you at the Stuckey's, the vote would have been three to one to press ahead anyway. It is with a sense of unreality that you finally pull into the parking lot of Big Al's Beach Resort. After all these days of being propelled, your body can't quite adapt to being stopped. For some reason you were deluded into thinking that Big Al's hotel overlooked the ocean. Perhaps you were misled by the brochure, which depicted a smiling and attractive couple completely unlike yourselves holding little paper umbrella drinks as they admired the view of what you now discover was the back of an automobile dealership. The only way Big Al's will ever be on the beach is after three decades of global warming. Maybe by then your automobile will be fixed. You admitted it to intensive care shortly after arriving at Big Al's and from your room you can confirm that they haven't done anything to it since. In fact, it appears they are using parts from your engine to fix other cars. Should you be concerned that the name of the place is Jack Kevorkian Ford? Well, you're here. Time to relax, enjoy your vacation. Time to be spontaneous, to live for the moment. Naturally, this means you must immediately compile a list of Fun Things To Do. This is what Dad's do: make lists. No one reads the lists after they are made or listens to you as they are being written or notices that you are talking, or breathing, but that has never stopped you. When you pass on you would like your headstone to read like this: 1. Live 2. Die (Don't forget!) 3. Get buried here Vacations make for particularly wonderful lists, but no one is listening except the dog, who has finished drinking out of the toilet and has come over to lick your legs. Your oldest daughter picks up the telephone to initiate what will become a six hour conversation with her best friend back home. She begins with the words, "you wouldn't believe how boring it is here." Your other daughter wants to go to the mall because, despite her three suitcases, she "brought nothing to wear." Your son plops down in front of HBO, a study in Flatline Response Syndrome. Your wife, muttering, tromps off to find a washing machine so she can tend to all the laundry that has piled up over the past three days. You tell her you'd like to help, but it's not "on the list." Her look indicates that you'd better add "celibacy" to the list of Fun Things To Do. The mechanic from the car dealership sends word that you need to hurry right over to look at your vehicle's transmission, "never seen anything like it since the war." You begin looking forward to going home. ******************************************************************* RADIO DAZE by Dave Barry THE FOLLOWING MAY BE WHAT YOU HEAR AS YOU COMMUTE TO WORK AND HIT THE SCAN BUTTON ON YOUR RADIO........ Monday morning. Bad traffic. Let's turn on the radio, see if we can get some good tunes, crank it up. Yeah. Maybe we... POWER ON "...just reached the end of 14 classics in a row. We'll be right back, after we..." SCAN "...send Bill Doberman to Congress. Because Bill Doberman agrees with us. Bill Doberman -- it's a name we can trust. Bill Doberman -- it's a name we can remember. Bill..." SCAN "...just heard 19 uninterrupted classic hits. And now for this..." SCAN "...traffic backup caused by the..." SCAN "...EVIL that DWELLETH amongst them, and it DID CAUSETH their eyeballs to ooze a greenish substance, but they DID not fear, for they KNEWETH..." SCAN "...Bill Doberman. He'll work for you. He'll fight for you. If people are rude to you, Bill Doberman..." SCAN "...enjoyed those 54 classic hits in a row. Now let's pause for..." SCAN "...NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! BUD LOOTER CHEVROLET, ISUZU, FORD, RENAULT, JEEP, CHRYSLER, TOYOTA, STUDEBAKER, HONDA WANTS TO GIVE YOU, FOR NO GOOD REASON..." SCAN "...insects that DID swarm down upon them and DID eateth their children, but they WERE NOT afraid, for they trustedeth in the..." SCAN "...listening audience. Hello?" "Hello?" "Go ahead." "Steve?" "This is Steve. Go ahead." "Am I on?" "Yes. Go ahead." "Is this Steve?" SCAN "This is Bill Doberman, and I say convicted rapists have no business serving on the Supreme Court. That's why, as your congressman, I'll make sure that..." SCAN "...a large quantity of nuclear waste has been spilled on the interstate, and police are trying to..." SCAN "...GIVE YOU SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR ANYTHING -- IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CAR!!! BRING US ROAD KILL!!! WE DON'T CARE!!! BRING US A CANTALOUPE-SIZE GOB OF EARWAX!!! BRING US..." SCAN "...huge creatures that WERE like winged snakes EXCEPT they had great big suckers, which DID cometh and pulleth their limbs FROM their sockets liketh this -- 'POP' -- but they WERE not afraid, nay they WERE joyous, for they had..." SCAN "...just heard 317 uninterrupted classic hits. And now..." SCAN "...Bill Doberman will shrink your swollen membranes. Bill Doberman has..." SCAN "...glowing crud strewn all over the road. Motorists will need..." SCAN "...FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! WE'LL JUST GIVE IT TO YOU!!! FOR NO GOOD REASON!!! WE HAVE A BRAIN DISORDER!!! WE HEAR VOICES SAYING..." SCAN "Steve?" "Yes?" "Steve?" "Yes?" "Steve?" SCAN "YES, and their eyeballs DID explode like party favors, but they WERE NOT sorrowful, for the kneweth..." SCAN "Bill Doberman. Him good. Him heap strong. Him..." SCAN "...finished playing 3814 classic hits with no commercial interruptions, dating back to 1978, and now..." SCAN "...we have unconfirmed reports that the radiation cloud is spreading and that..." SCAN "...liquefied brain parts did dribbleth OUT from their nostrils, but they WERE not alarmed, for..." SCAN "...when you hear the words 'Bill Doberman,' you will..." POWER OFF Oh, never mind. I'll just hum. ********************************************************************* There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. ************************************************************************* http://www.donself.com/jokes.html