FUNNIEST JOKES I RECEIVED IN DECEMBER 1997 visit Don's Clean Joke List: www.donself.com/jokes.html A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting; 2. it is a major component in acid rain; 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state; 4. accidental inhalation can kill you; 5. it contributes to erosion; 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes; 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients. He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The conclusion is obvious. ************************************************************************ Oreo Cookies Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories when he wears gold bars; it seems to come with the job. The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake. I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, "another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces..." With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine corps brigadier general -- a mean-looking man with no hair, an real-life scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well. I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down. I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate. I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one oreo is a significant fraction of take-home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly. "There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the General that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own." Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now. The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word. After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish. A few minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal... my Oreos! Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only one of us has the punch line. And general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos. *************************************************************************** Amazing Science Facts A teacher compiled this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submited to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It's truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades". H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas. The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. Germinate: To become a naturalized German. Liter: a nest of young puppies. Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat. Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away. Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heartstops. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. *********************************************************************** This is from the Arkansas Democrat Gazette: Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and hit a tree near Cotton Plant on State Highway 38 early Monday morning Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. (Note to city slickers, frog-gigging, or frog-sticking, is how, armed with a small pitchfork), you catch frogs from the bayou bank. Frogs make a tasty supper. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White river Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his .... off or we might have been dead, 'said Wallis. "I've been a trooper for I0 years in this part of the world," said Deputy Snyder, "but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened." Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavina, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught, and did anyone think to get them from the truck. ********************************************************************* THE FARMER AND THE PLANE A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out." ************************************************************************ A JOB GOING TO THE DOGS A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow." ********************************************************************** CEO AND OFFICE EQUIPMENT A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy." ************************************************************************* RAMBLING THOUGHTS..... I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust" I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor! Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac! If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight? Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds. *********************************************************************** Three women were having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "my husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of yellow bikinis in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine.' The second says, "My husband is cheating on me too, because I found a pack of condoms in his trousers the other day, but I fixed his wagon; I took a sewing needle and poked holes in them." The third woman fainted ********************************************************************* DID YOU KNOW? * Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. * Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. * David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. * Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. * In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. * Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. * February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. * Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. * The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. * No word in the English language rhymes with month. * The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. * There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. * Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. * The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. * Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. * It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. * In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. * Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. * The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. * Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously * If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. * The most common name in the world is Mohammed. * Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. * No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl * The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". * In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured * Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. ************************************************************** An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." ******************************************************************** DOWNSIZING AT THE NORTH POLE The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lesson airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. A plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance will replace it. The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The position is therefore eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by Human Resources will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their out placement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts maybe necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. ********************************************************************** SHORT TAKES I work at a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer-service representatives minds shoppers over the public-address system to finish their shopping. One evening, a woman who had recently worked at a K-Mart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers..." Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "...you are in the wrong store." ************************* I was going out to a business lunch with two other people, one of whom volunteered to drive. After the driver unlocked the passenger door, I decided to hop in the back to avoid one of those awkward scenes where you hem and haw over who sits where. But I had trouble getting the seat back to fold forward. I pulled the lever under the seat to slide it forward, but it only moved a few inches. Not easily discouraged, I hiked up my skirt, and was about to drive into the back when the third member of our party intervened. "Wouldn't it be easier," she said, "just to use the back door?" ************************** It was a busy day in the doctor's office where I worked, and I was on the phone trying to arrange a patient's appointment. Needing her daytime phone number, I hurriedly asked, "May I have a number between eight and five, please?" After a moment came the timid response, "Six?" ************************* Working from home as I do, I need a professional-sounding voice-mail greeting so everyone will know I'm hard at work. While I was recording a new message one morning, my wife was across the hall from my office, folding clothes with my six-year old daughter, who had just emerged from the shower. My message ended up sounding like this: Male voice: "Hi, this is Jeff Hill with Hill & Associates" Female voice: "Look at you! You have no clothes on!" Male voice: "I'm not available right now..." ************************************************************************* Santa and the Nativity Scene After hearing the Christmas story, and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday School Class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity Scene might have looked like. One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary and the infant, but off to the side was a plump roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin." *********************************************************************** CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSIES CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake ? YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant ? YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star ? YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel ? YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ MALE: Anything, as there's plenty of both it and beer FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's ******************************************************************** THE BUTLER DID IT! A rich couple was going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him...... "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" ************************************************************************* Exerpts From Medical Interview Records The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. *********************************************************************** An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day. A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!" ************************************************************************ After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." ***************************************************************************