FUNNIEST JOKES I RECEIVED IN NOVEMBER 1997 ***************************************************************** THE POPE AND MOISHE About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! . 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.' ********************************************************************** DALLAS COWBOY JOKES - OR IS THAT REDUNDANT? Some football facts.... 1. What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?........A huddle. 2. Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?......The police. 3. Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?...It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons. 4. Doctors say because of Michael Irvin's broken clavicle, it will be 6-8 weeks before he can videotape a teammate doing drugs. 5. I understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the refrigerator, so now they want a Coke machine. 6. The Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take out the artificial turf because the cowboys play better on "grass." 7. The Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System" - "Yes your Honor, No your Honor." 8. The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions. 9. The Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran 10. How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? Studying the Miranda Rights. ************************************************************************* The following is brought to you as a courtesy of things you should not say to a trooper if you should happen to be detained: I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No donut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's? I pay your salary! So, uh, you on the take, or what? Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here? ************************************************************************ The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. ************************************************************************* A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." ************************************************************************* Baseball Game It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. They sat down and "Stand up, nuts" Everyone stood up "Sit down, nuts" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He asked what happened. A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts" ************************************************************************ CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower . "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" . . . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. *************~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Things you don't want to hear during surgery: 1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again? 9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em." 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! 15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. 16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? 17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! 18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. 19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? 21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. 22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?" 23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! 24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! ************************************************************************* TOO BAD THE IQ CHART DOESN'T GO THIS LOW--------- This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the clerk refused "...because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, agreed that the man was in fact over 21, and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got from the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. -true story. -------- Another Darwin Contender Under the category: "Too Stupid," a true story out of San Francisco: It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America. Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will read the instructions out loud to the customer: "Strip down, face toward me." Editor's note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble? -------- Advice for idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." -------- Idiots in the neighborhood I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the -deer crossing- sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there. -------- Idiots and computers: My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" -------- Idiots are easy to please I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. --------- Idiots in food services My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "Minimal lettuce." he said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. *********************************************************************** A BASEBALL BAT AND THE DMV After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" *********************************************************************** PHONE CALL WITH A TODDLER A salesman calls this house, and the 3 year old son answers the phone. The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?" The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy." The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?" The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too." The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?" The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman." The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?" The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too." The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?" The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman." The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman. And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too." By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on. He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?" The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper... "Looking for me." ************************************************************************ YOU KNOW YOU'RE OVER THE HILL WHEN... 1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music. 2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs. 3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life. 4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you...and you enjoy it. 5. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose. 6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ... In that order. 7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya. 8. Someone compliments you on your layered look...and you're wearing a bikini. 9. You keep repeating yourself. 10. You start video taping daytime game shows. 11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage. 12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame. 13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time. 14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough. 15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car. 16. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out. 17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle. 18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments." 19. You keep repeating yourself. 20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. 21. You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary. 22. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker. 23. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..." 24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. 25. You look both ways before crossing a room. 26. Your social security number only has three digits. 27. You keep repeating yourself. 28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity. 29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night. 30. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden. 31. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep. 32. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed." 33. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice. 34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games. 35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost. 36. Your back goes out more than you do. 37. You keep repeating yourself. 38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD. 39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi." 40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town. 41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up. 42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum. 43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion. 44. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back in style. 45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color. 46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique. 47. You keep repeating yourself. 48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and in the same vein... SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID: You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You can live without sex but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws. You call Olan Mills before they call you. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You make an appointment to see the dentist. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?" You answer a question with, "because I said so!" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You take a metal detector to the beach. You wear black socks with sandals. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. Your ears are hairier than your head. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You got cable for the weather channel. You can go bowling without drinking. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. ************************************************************************* The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians: 1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury 2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson 3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs 5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." A. C. Greene 6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again. 7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish. 8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced. 9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal. 10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies. 12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower 13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing. 14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded. 15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote. 16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton 18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 12. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis 22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon. 23. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg ********************************************************************* The Man Who Loved Beans (aka Baked Beans) Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on lke this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. ************************************************************************** From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15 ********************************************************************** Some Statistics about us Americans. Did you know that... * Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. * 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. * 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. * 91% of us lie regularly. * 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. * 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. * 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. * 90% believe in divine retribution. * 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. * Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. * 35% give to charity at least once a month. * How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder. * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. * 85% of us will eat Spam this year. * 70% of us drink orange juice daily. * Snickers is the most popular candy. * 22% of us skip lunch daily. * 9% of us skip breakfast daily. * 66% of us eat cereal regularly. * 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries. * 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. * Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. * 45% use mouthwash every day. * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * The typical shower is 101 degrees F. * Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair. * 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 62% of us pop our zits. * 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?) * 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. * 57% have had deja vu. * 49% believe in ESP. * 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. * The average girl starts her period at age 12. * 44% have broken a bone. * Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. * 14% have attended a self-help meeting. * 15% regularly go to a shrink. * 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. * 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. * 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. * 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. * 23.5% admit they don't always flush. * 45.2% pee in the shower. * 44.9% pee in the ocean. * 28.1% pee in the pool. * 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVP. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. * 22% are functionally illiterate. * Less than 10% are trilingual. * 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. * 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. * 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. * 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. * 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. * 40% of us have had music lessons. * 44% reuse tinfoil. * 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. * 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). * 59% of us say we're average-looking. * Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. * 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. * 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. * On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. * 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. * 2 out of 5 have married their first love. * The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. * 71% can drive a stick-shift car. * 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. * 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. * 12% of men never use their car blinkers. * 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. * 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. * 4 out of 5 sing in the car. Now, how normal am I??????????? ********************************************************************** BORDER SAND While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed at the two sacks the man carried on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the man. "Get them off - we'll take a look." The man did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every day for six weeks, until one day the man with the sand bags didn't show up. A few days later, the guard happened to meet him downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what was it?" "Bicycles!" *********************************************************************** HOW ABOUT THE ROCKET SCIENTIST THAT TRIED TO ROB A GUN SHOP - TRUE STORY On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop; 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places; 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door; 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. ********************************************************************* TRUE FACTS On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20 Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village" The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill Almonds are members of the peach family The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz Charlie Brown's father was a barber Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.) Ingrown toenails are hereditary In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actors' salaries A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A." A cat has 32 muscles in each ear An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life" A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge A dime has 118 ridges around the edge The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth.Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts." The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. Alexander the Great was an epileptic The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz." The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Horses cannot vomit. Rabbits cannot vomit A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles The average person falls asleep in seven minutes The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living Dartboards are made out of horsehairs There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles The only planet without a ring is earth Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks A group of unicorns is called a blessing *********************************************************************** QUESTIONS ASKED BY ATTORNEYS Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collisions?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls?" 12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." 19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?' A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." 22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." ************************************************************************** There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok." So he gets On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God you stopped". "Oh Nooooooooooo!!!!" ************************************************************************* LAWYER JOKES (like you wouldn't believe!) §*´`*«£«*´`*§*´`*«£«*´`³§³´`*«£«*´`³§§³´`*«£«*´`³§³´`*«£«*´`³§´`*«£«*´`³§³´ A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. ________________________________________________________________ A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life." _____________________________________________________________ A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." ________________________________________________________________ A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." ____________________________________________________________ A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300. __________________________________________________________________ A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --$50.00." ======================== A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining." The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?" The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking." ______________________________________________________________ A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge." _______________________________________________________________ Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. ______________________________________________________________ After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." ____________________________________________________________ A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" ________________________________________________________ A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere." ______________________________________________________________ How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. _____________________________________________________________ How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services. How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford? ___________________________________________________________ Why are lawyers like beavers? They get in the mainstream and dam it up. ________________________________________________________- What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? You can make a pet out of the snake. ____________________________________________________________ Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher. Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. ________________________________________________________ "Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession." --Anonymous ____________________________________________________- First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed." ************************************************************************* POLITICIANS A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. *************************************************************************** USED OR NEW? A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00. The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "the female brain is used." *********************************************************************** THE HAIRCUT A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!" *************************************************************************** WATERMELLONS A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks about ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! The farmer returns in one week to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" *********************************************************************** THE RABBIT The story you are about to read is true. Most humorous ones are. *The names have been changed to protect the innocent. One bright sunny morning in Utah, Susan* was busy getting ready for work. It started out a typical day like any other and then... as she went to let her retriever inside before she left for the day, she noticed he had a very muddy and quite dead rabbit in his mouth. Now this wasn't just any rabbit mind you, but it was all white, the pet variety, and looked suspiciously like the one owned by the little boy next door. Panicking, because she was new in the neighborhood, and fearing being socially ostracized for her dog's behavior, she stepped of into the realm of irrational behavior. She took this very dead rabbit, gave it a bath, blow dried and combed the hair, snuck into her neighbors yard and put Mr. Bunny back into his cage. Hoping they would find him and assume he died of natural causes, thus alleviating herself and rover from all blame. She left for work relieved and amazed at her quick thinking. Upon returning home from work, she found her neighbor pacing up and down in her front yard. As her neighbor approached she panicked slightly but managed to ask what was wrong. Imagine her surprise when her neighbor blurted out: "There are some really sick people in this world. My son's pet rabbit died two days ago and we buried him. Some idiot DUG him up, Cleaned him off, and put him back in the cage!!" *********************************************************************** MARRIAGE COUNSELOR After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. She looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." ************************************************************************** PILGRAM INTERRUPTERS This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened," a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as they wanted to. They escaped the Church of England and came over here because they heard that American churches were different. The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the captain. First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in Massatusetts. They spent the winter there. Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first governor of Plymouth Rock. A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and translated language. He knew enough English to interrupt. Another interrupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving. The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a national holiday all around the world. These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them. The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the girls wore funny bonnets. But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States wouldn't be like it is today. ************************************************************************* THE PRAYER A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" *********************************************************************** TAKING THE WIFE HUNTING It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her: "What are you up to?" Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot". Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your %#$@% deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!" *************************************************************************** QUESTIONS THAT NO ONE HAS ANSWERS TO......... 1. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? 2. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? 3. The light went out, but where to ? 4. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 5. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? 6. Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a large French fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? 7. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? 8. Why is the alphabet in that order? 9. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 10. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? 11. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. 12. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? 13. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 14. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! 15. Do fish get cramps after eating? 16. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 17. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 19. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 20. If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress? 21. How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are? 22. If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"? 23. If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen? 24. Why is there only one Monopolies commission? 25. Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers? 26. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? ********************************************************************** CHURCH HUMOR These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins. 1. Don't let worry kill you-let the church help. 2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the Altar. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy." 17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity. 18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. 19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. 20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister theRev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. 21. The 'eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 23. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 25. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. 27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 28. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 29. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge-Up Yours."