FUNNIEST JOKES I RECEIVED IN OCTOBER 1997



These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
*******************************************

>PHILOSOPHIES
 > 
 >   * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 > 
 >   * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 > 
 >   * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 > 
 >   * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 > 
 >   * He who hesitates is probably right.
 > 
 >   * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 > 
 >   * No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 > 
 >   * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 > 
 >   * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 > 
 >   * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
 > 
 >   * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
 > 
 >   * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many 
 >     is  research.
 > 
 >   * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
 >     principles.
 > 
 >   * Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 > 
 >   * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
 > 
 >   * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 > 
 >   * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 > 
 >   * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 > 
 >   * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 > 
 >   * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never 
 >     tried before.
 > 
 >   * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
 > 
 >   * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
 > 
 >   * A fool and his money are soon partying.
 > 
 >   * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
 > 
 >   * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 > 
 >   * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
 > 
 >   * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of 
 >     payments.
 > 
 >   * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
 > 
 >   * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
 > 
 >   * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
 > 
 >   * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 > 
 >   * Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
 > 
 >   * Death to all fanatics!
 > 
 >   * Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.
 > 
 >   * Chastity is curable, if detected early.
 > 
 >   * Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
 > 
 >   * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 > 
 >   * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
 > 
 >   * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 > 
 >   * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 > 
 >   * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
 > 
 >   * Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
 >  
 >   * Half the people you know are below average.
 > 
 >   * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 > 
 >   * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 > 
 >   * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 >
 >"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
 >in
 >the country."  - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

*********************************************************

THE POPE AND MOISHE

  About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave Rome.  Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could
stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.  The Jews realized that
they had no choice.  They looked around for a champion who could
defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.  It was too
risky.  So they finally  picked an old man named Moishe who spent his
life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor,
he had less to lose, so he agreed.  He asked only for one addition to
the debate. Not being used to saying very much as he cleaned up
around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.

  The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a
wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

  The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what happened.  The Pope said:  'First I held up three
fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one
finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions.  Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God
was all around us.  He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the
wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an
apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?'

  Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed
that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their
scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out
mine.'

***************************************************

               I'VE LEARNED...

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.  --- age 8

I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate it looks
like you ate more. --- age 6

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it mom makes
me clean it up. ---- age 13

I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same
time. --age 9

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. ---age 7

I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time,
it will come out your nose. --- age 7

I've learned that when mommy and daddy shout at each other it scares
me. ---age 5

I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells like
a piece of Jolly Rancher candy.  ---age 10

I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they help me swim faster
because they're fish. ---age 7

I've learned that when I wave at people in the country they stop
what they're doing and wave back.  ---age 9

I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist.  It's in
my blood. --- age 8

I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look.  --age
12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up.  ---age 13

I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window
using a sheet for a parachute.---age 10

I've learned that parents are very hard to live with.  ---age 12

I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come.
Sometimes he's broke.--- age 8

I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl, your
parents suspect something is going on. --- age 11

I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. --- age 11

I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you
need to be careful going to the bathroom. --- age 10

I've learned if you put a June bug down a girls dress, she goes
crazy. ---age 6

I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents
holding hands. --- age 13

I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with a Tootsie
Roll. --- age 10

I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch, if
only cowboys didn't wear spurs.  ---age 8

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night".  --- age 7

I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy
because he gets mad when I drop the ball. --- age 10

I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over.
 ---age 7

I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the time I don't
know the answer. --- age 9

I've learned how to hold animals without killing them.--- age 5

I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the
car the driver freaks. --- age 9

I've learned that gold fish don't like jello.  ---age 5

I've learned that you should say your prayers every night.  ---age 9

I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get.  ---age 6

I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts.
---age 7

**********************************************************

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough
to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer
Joe.  "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?,"
questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer
the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I
believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was
thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.  Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came
on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.  He said, "Your mule was in such
bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?"

***************************************************************

THE FARMER AND THE DIVORCE

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

******************************************************************

HAVE YOU WONDERED??


Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious!

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

***************************************************************

THREE ENVELOPES

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.  The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at
his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your
predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press
-- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from
his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.  The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope. 

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."

******************************************************************

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN...........

You're still chasing women, but can't remember why.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

You burn the midnight oil at 9pm

Your favorite part of your newspaper is 25 years ago today.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The best part of the day is over when the alarm goes off.

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You sink your teeth in a steak, and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enought in the medicine cabinet.

You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercised.

Yor pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

You get winded playing chess.

Dialing a long-distance call wears you out.

You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

Your chlidren begin to look middle-aged.

You begin to outlive enthusiam.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

You decided to procrastinate but then never get around to it.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying the second coat.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.
*********************************************************

HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK

The following is an excerpt from Tim Clark's "How Not to Rob a Bank".  Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number
of would-be robbers.

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no
money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.  Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.  Nobody  tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy
down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's
signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up
banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be
positively identified by lip-print. 

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

************************************************************

LAMAZE

Lamaze is a breathing technique whereby women feel no pain while having an object the size of a small watermellon claw its way out of
their bodies.  Yes, this is utterly ridiculous, but Lamaze class has apparently become a prerequisite to giving birth:  in fact, a woman
in East Jordan, Michigan was recently discovered by authorities to have given birth to a baby without having first attended Lamaze, and
the courts actually made her put it back.

Although pregnancy has been around for at least 100 years, most men don't understand anything about it.  It was news to me that pregnancy
takes place in three trimesters (Trimester comes from the phrase, "Don't you even TRY, MISTER," uttered by women when men suggest that
maybe they can't make it to Lamaze class one night.) The three trimesters are: Vomiting, Weight Gain, and Crying.

The men at Lamaze class are there mainly as punishment for having caused their mates to swell up to the size of Marlan Brando.  I mean,
realistically, how can we help someone else BREATHE?  (More to the point, I can testify truthfully that a woman in labor who is urged to
"breathe, honey, breathe" will respond in a tone for which "pleasant" is an antonym.)

The punishment begins with the first lesson, where everybody sits there and is supposed to be quiet while they watch a film of somebody
else's baby being born.  This is where you learn you shouldn't have eaten before Lamaze class, even if your wife simply HAD to have a
Pizza Hut Supreme with Double Cheese or she would pass out from hunger.  You give the other guys a "can you believe this?" look,
doing your Lamaze breathing so you won't blow pizza.  By the end of the movie they ought to usher in a urologist to perform vasectomies;
they'd make a couple of grand right on the spot.  The final frame depicts everyone standing around looking happy, except maybe the
baby, who frankly appears more than a little pissed off at how his morning's going.

The night I went, the movie was a horror double feature, with Night of the Living Cesarean Section immediately following Birth of the
Pizza Baby.

After the movie there is a short break so the men can get together and vow that the only way they're going to make it through this is if
they're drunk. Then the group is reassembled to practice breathing, even though we've been breathing all our lives and probably don't
need any more practice.  What did pregnant women do before this Lamaze guy came along, hold their breaths for nine months?  And why
do I have to practice?  Heck, I'm so good at breathing I can even do it in my sleep!  During all this panting and gasping, the men are
told to squeeze their mates' thighs to "simulate labor."

Squeeze her leg to simulate labor!  That's like simulating a concussion by getting a haircut.  If you want to simulate labor, you
should run her lips through a pencil sharpener.  But you don't know this, so you dutifully squeeze while she dutifully breathes.  Men who
make note of the fact that pregnancy has caused the thighs they are squeezing to maybe require two hands instead of one will be violently
torn into small pieces by a bunch of crazed Lamaze women, and no female jury in the world would find anything in this other than
justice.

In Lamaze I learned there are several different stages of labor.  In none of them do you want your wife to have access to sharp objects.
By about the third stage you both know that this breathing thing is a bunch of baloney--labor, it seems, HURTS, and you can pant like a
race horse after the Kentucky Derby, but it won't alter the sensation of having a whole human being clamber out of your stomach and into
the world.

Often a man will run into a fellow Lamaze class husband at the hospital. It's a brief encounter, usually during a fast break to the
men's room between contractions.  The wild look they exchange says it all:  this is nothing like what they expected.


And after that, nothing ever is.

********************************************************************

BEAR AND RELIGION


In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot 
the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. 

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. 

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees,  opened his arms, 
and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion'!" 

The sky darkened and there were lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced 
around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, 

"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."

*********************************************************************