I hope you enjoy the following jokes. They are intended to help you to laugh. The Bible says, in different ways, that we are not to worry about tomorrow, but to turn our problems to Him. For a few minutes - please let God have your problems, and you have a good laugh. Don MEDICAL BLOOPERS A medical student was working in a general surgeon's office. He was conducting a physical and standing behind an older woman getting ready to listen to her lungs and requested, "Nice big breaths." "Why thank you, but they aren't real," she smiled while jutting out her chest. ******************** I asked a male nurses' aide to help me with a patient known to have head lice. I put on my surgical cap and then noticed that the aide had put his surgical cap over his entire head. I laughed as he explained "I don't want them to get in my moustache!" ************************************************************* A pt came into our ER with relatively minor injuries, but she was sure she was going to die. She asked, "Is there a Christian Pastor at this hospital?" The nurse answered, "i don't know anyone named Chris or Christian that works here." ****************************************************************** I was a little surprised when a stenographer typed verbatim what I had dictated in a sleep-deprived state. It read: "This is Dictor Harris doctating on...." ******************************************************************** Following the era of conflicts in Southeast Asia, I once had a female patient report, "I had a DMZ two years ago." ******************************************************************* The doctor asked the pt if he was taking his prescribed medication. "No." "Why not?" "The bottle says not to take with alcohol and I have alot of parties coming up, like my anniversary, then the holidays, etc.... *********************************************************************** A vet informes the lady that her dog has diabetes. "How can that be? No one in our family has had it," was her response *********************************************************************** WHY ASK WHY? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why does sour cream have an Expiration date? Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? ************************************************************ THE NATIVITY SCENE In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'" ************************************************** YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You prefer car keys to Q-tips. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You think the French Riviera is foreign car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her butt. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You own a denim leisure suit. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT. Your family tree does not fork. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. You have a rag for a gas cap. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...." Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You cut your toenails in front of company. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. You call your boss "dude." You have grease under your toenails. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. Your porch collapses, and more than three dogs die. You use a police scanner to keep track of the family. ************************************************************ Top 20 Ways to Tell if a Redneck is Working at a Computer in your Office 1.The mouse is referred to as a, "critter." 2.The keyboard is camouflaged. 3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 4.There is a gunrack is mounted on the CPU. 5.The password is, "bubba." 6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 7.Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove that I ain't no redneck. 8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. 9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them. 10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs. 14.The monitor is up on blocks. 15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. 16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background. 18.The six front keys have rotted out. 19.John Deer Pocket Protectors. ******************************************************************** IF YOU'RE NOT MAKING AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU'D LIKE - CALL DON AT 1-888-DONSELF FOR A FREE AUDIO TAPE. ******************************************************************** A Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00 370.01 Any person with a valid in state Rodent or Snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes. 370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited. 370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash. 370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys. 370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon. 370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels. 370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same. 370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2 ; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act) ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site. *********************************************************************** PERHAPS THE WRONG ONES ARE IN SCHOOL!!! These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night ************************************************************* IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH CANCER, ARTHRITIS, SHINGLES, LUPUS, DIABETES OR CARPAL TUNNEL - CALL DON SELF FOR A FREE AUDIO TAPE. IT MAY HELP SAVE THEIR LIFE. YOU HAVE NO OBLIGATION AND NOTHING TO LOSE. 1-800-256-7045 ************************************************************** THE ICE CREAM IS GOOD FOR YOUR SOUL As they prepared to eat dinner at a restaurant, Kim Kane's six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As they bowed their heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby Kim heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing this, her son burst into tears and asked, "Did I do it wrong? is God mad at me?" As Kim held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. "He winked at my son and said, 'I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.' 'Really?' my son asked. 'Cross my heart.' Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started the whole thing), 'Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.'" Naturally, Kim bought her kid's ice cream at the end of the meal. What happened next came asa complete surprise. "My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life," Kim explains. "He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, 'Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.'" ************************************************************** kids quotes A First grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. *As you shall make your bed so shall you...........mess it up. *Better be safe than...............................punch a 5th grader. *Strike while the ..................................bug is close. *It's always darkest before......................daylight savings time. *You can lead a horse to water but..................how? *Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty. *A miss is as good as a.............................Mr. *You can't teach an old dog new......................math. *If you lie down with the dogs, you'll............stink in the morning. *The pen is mightier than the.......................pigs. *An idle mind is.................................the best way to relax. *Where there's smoke, there's..................pollution. *Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents. *A penny saved is...............................not much. *Two's company, three's.........................the musketeers. *Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ......................................you have to blow your nose. *Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded. *When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way. ********************************************************************* The dinner special sign said, "Turkey $2.35, Chicken or Beef #2.35, children $2.00. I was born before 1945. We had our hair, not styled. We went to the 5&10 and not the Dollar Store, and teachers were respected, not sued. Let me get this straight. If they clone me, do I become my own father. **************************************************************** DON'T LET THAT CHILD TOUCH THAT GROCERY CART HANDLE, PAY PHONE OR SIT ON THAT BEDSPREAD IN THE HOTEL UNTIL YOU HEAR THE FREE TAPE THAT DON WILL SEND YOU. MORE THAN 80,000 PEOPLE A YEAR DIE FROM HAND-BORNE DISEASES - PLEASE DON'T WAIT.... 1-800-256-7045 ******************************************************************* Kids' Views on Love HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8 "Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10 "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Shem, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell...that's why perfume and deodorant is so popular." Mae, age 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be painful." Manuel, age 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita, age 8 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome as anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a lifetime." Christine, age 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, age 6 "Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9 "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree." Carey, age 7 "Love will find you. Even if you hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding the fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, age 8 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, age 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del,age 6 "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, age 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9 HOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he is in love." Bobby, age 9 "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...other people care more about their food." Bart, age 9 "Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." Sarah, age 9 "See if the man has lipstick on his face ." Sandra, age 7 "It's love if they order one of those desserts that's on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are---on fire." Christine, age 9 WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9 "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can eat." Dick, age 7 HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you fee warm all over, and they don't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." Gina, age 8 HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7 "You learn it right on the spot when your gooshy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7 "It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you....that's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 7 "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 8 "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it." Michael, age 8 HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick, age 7 "Don't forget your wife's name..that will mess up the love." Erin, age 8 "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8 "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind....Love isn't like picking which movies you watch." Natalie, age 9 ******************************************************************* TRAILS OF TEARS: A robbery at the Dunkin' Donuts in Northbridge, Mass., was pretty easy for police to solve. The robber grabbed a bag of coins as part of his $1,400 of loot, but tore the bag in the process. Officers followed a trail of change from the front door of the shop to a nearby apartment building, where they found the suspect, the money, and the ski mask and weapons used in the robbery. The robbed employee provided the cops with another clue: when the thief addressed him by his nickname, he recognized the robber as a former employee of the store. Meanwhile, the manager of the Swinger Adult Book Store in Anchorage, Alaska, may have had to choke back laughter when he called police after a robbery. The robber didn't just tap the $200 in the till, he took the entire cash register -- leaving behind the end of the register tape so that he dragged a trail of paper from the roll in the machine. Police found him three blocks away at the other end of the tape. (AP, 2) ...Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect $200. ******************************************************************* Classic CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers: 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door. 8) Ushers will eat latecomers. 9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding" 25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. 26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow. 27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. *********************************************************************** 60 MINUTES REPORTED THAT SHARK CARTILAGE MAY BE ABLE TO HELP RID SOMEONE OF CANCER. IN ONE TEST, MORE THAN 61% OF THE PEOPLE THAT HAD FAILED AT CHEMO AND RADIATION HAD THEIR CANCER REGRESS. LISTEN TO THE WHOLE STORY - CALL DON SELF AT 1-800-256-7045 FOR A FREE AUDIO TAPE *********************************************************************** A DAY AT THE BALLPARK An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, "Peanuts!" *********************************************************************** Here's some things to think about..... * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? * For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met * I intend to live forever - so far, so good * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. * Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... * 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? * If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. * If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. * I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. * I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. * How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. * Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * Black holes are where God divided by zero. * All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. ********************************************************************* YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEND IN MONEY TO THE INFOMERCIAL WITH KEVIN TRUDEAU ABOUT MAKING MONEY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. IF YOU WILL CALL DON SELF AT 1-800-256-7045, HE WILL SEND YOU A FREE TAPE, IF YOU QUALIFY AND ARE INTERESTED. ********************************************************************** True stories of the emergency room: A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode. A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling: "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was: "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying:"Whore! Whore! Whore!" A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building. ******************************************************************* The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from EIGHTH grade through COLLEGE level (WHERE ARE WE HEADING????). Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. ** The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. they lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. ** The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. ** Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavenbed bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. ** Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of colums - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. ** Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. ** In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. ** Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. ** Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. ** In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. ** The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. it was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarette. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. ** The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. ** The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." ** During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The indian squabs carried porposies on their back. many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. ** One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peococks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer paid for taxis. ** Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, A Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. he invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ** George Washington married matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. ** Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. the believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ** Meanwhile in Eurpose, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are fallling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took lang walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ** France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrainedd. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. ** The sun never set on the British Empire because the british Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. ** The nineteenth century was a time of amny great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus mcCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered Radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. ** The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ******************************************************************* DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU..... NOT AS THEY HAVE DONE UNTO YOU - BUT AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU! ********************************************************************* "Love and The Cabbie" By Art Buchwald I was in New York the other day and rode with a friend in a taxi. When we got out, my friend said to the driver, "Thank you for the ride. You did a superb job of driving." The taxi driver was stunned for a second. Then he said, "Are you a wise guy or something?" "No, my dear man, and I'm not putting you on. I admire the way you keep cool in heavy traffic." "Yeah," the driver said and drove off. "What was that all about?" I asked. "I am trying to bring love back to New York," he said. "I believe it's the only thing that can save the city." "How can one man save New York?" "It's not one man. I believe I have made that taxi driver's day. Suppose he has 20 fares. He's going to be nice to those 20 fares because someone was nice to him. Those fares in turn will be kinder to their employees or shopkeepers or waiters or even their own families. Eventually the goodwill could spread to at least 1,000 people. Now that isn't bad, is it?" "But you're depending on that taxi driver to pass your goodwill to others." "I'm not depending on it," my friend said. "I'm aware that the system isn't foolproof so I might deal with ten different people today. If out of ten I can make three happy, then eventually I can indirectly influence the attitudes of 3,000 more." "It sounds good on paper," I admitted, "but I'm not sure it words in practice." "Nothing is lost if it doesn't. It didn't take any of my time to tell that man he was doing a good job. He neither received a larger tip nor a smaller tip. If it fell on deaf ears, so what? Tomorrow there will be another taxi driver I can try to make happy." "You're some kind of a nut," I said. "That shows how cynical you have become. I have made a study of this. The thing that seems to be lacking, besides money of course, for our postal employees, is that no one tells people who work for the post office what a good job they're doing." "But they're not doing a good job." "They're not doing a good job because they feel no one cares if they do or not. Why shouldn't someone say a kind word to them?" We were walking past a structure in the process of being built and passed five workmen eating their lunch. My friend stopped. "That's a magnificent job you men have done. It must be difficult and dangerous work." The workmen eyed my friend suspiciously. "When will it be finished?" "June," a man grunted. "Ah. That really is impressive. You must all be very proud." We walked away. I said to him, "I haven't seen anyone like you since The Man From LaMancha." "When those men digest my words, they will feel better for it. Somehow the city will benefit from their happiness." "But you can't do this all alone!" I protested. "You're just one man." "The most important thing is not to get discouraged. Making people in the city become kind again is not an easy job, but if I can enlist other people in my campaign. . ." "You just winked at a very plain-looking woman," I said. "Yes, I know," he replied. "And if she's a schoolteacher, her class will be in for a fantastic day." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********************************************************************** THE LETTUCE GARDEN A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce." ************************************************************************* YOU CAN GET EVERYTHING OUT OF LIFE THAT GOD WANTS YOU TO HAVE WHEN YOU'RE HELPING OTHERS GET WHAT GOD WANTS THEM TO HAVE.... DON SELF ************************************************************************* Wordgames Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles 1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person) 2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character) 3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person) 4. MOW BEAD HICK (book) 5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person) 6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (thing) 7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing) 8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase) 9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show) 10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person) 11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person) 12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place) 13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character) 14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie) 15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character) DON'T PEEK AT THE ANSWERS!!!!!!! Answers Are after the following joke: ********************************************************************** THE KITTENS A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ********************************************************************** answers to wordgames: 1.Jacques Cousteau, 2.Santa Claus, 3.Michael Jordan, 4.Moby Dick, 5.Thomas Jefferson, 6.Chiquita Banana, 7.The Titanic, 8.I love you, 9.The Brady Bunch, 10.Christopher Columbus, 11.Doctor Seuss, 12.The Milky Way Galaxy, 13.Agent 007, 14.The Sound of Music, 15.Bugs Bunny *********************************************************************** KIDS WILL DO IT EVERY TIME I have two sons, ages 8 & 4, and they were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit." ------------------------------------------------ Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and saw the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" ------------------------------------------------ My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl friend to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host - in this case, a piece of bread - he says:"God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God will get you." ------------------------------------- We set out our creche for the holidays, and my 5-year-old daughter, Laura,was watching me put all of the figurines in it - especially baby Jesus. I explained what a manger was - that they didn't have a crib for him, so they had to lay a blanket on the hay and put him there. She thought about that for a minute, and then she looked at me and said, "Mom, did they have to use a manger for his car seat, too?' ------------------------------------------- My boss' son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it. His answer, "She was already dead when we got there." ------------------------------------------ I read your story about the small child saying, "Night-night" to a body at the funeral home. It reminded me of our small daughter. We took her to view her great-grandmother, and she asked, "Why did they put Great-grandma in a jewelry box?" ----------------------------------------- I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?" And she walked over and stood on his foot. --------------------------------------- My son has a pet iguana, and he took it to school to show some of the other kids. If you've ever seen an iguana, they have a large flap of skin that hangs down from their neck, and it's called dewlap. The kids were asking what it was, and he explained, and a little girl in his class said, "Oh! My grandma has one of those." ------------------------------------------ I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "o.k.-ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!" ********************************************************************** TAKE JUST 30 SECONDS AND THANK GOD FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE AND ALL THAT YOU HAVE... WITHOUT HIM - WE'RE ALL NOTHING. *********************************************************************** REAL BRAIN SURGEONS NOMINEE 1: San Jose Mercury News - An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE 2: Kalamazoo Gazette - James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a 'farm-type truck.' Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns 'wrapped in the drive shaft.' NOMINEE 3: Hickory Daily Record - Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE 4: UPI, Toronto - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was 'one of the best and brightest' members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE 5: Bloomberg News Service - A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, 'He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas.' Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE 6: The News of the weird - Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE 7: The Indianapolis Star - Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. ******************************************************************* BILL'S CLOCK Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he tells a lie, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "It's on the ceiling. We use it as a fan." **************************************************************** FORSAKE NOT THE GATHERING OF YOURSELFS TOGETHER.... GO TO CHURCH THIS WEEK - IT WON'T HURT AND IT SURE CAN HELP! ***************************************************************** THOUGHTS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. - Ronnie Corbett They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. - Billie Holliday Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. - Steve Bluestone Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. - Wil Shriner Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. - George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel ********************************************************************** IF YOU DON'T HAVE AS MUCH FREE TIME WITH YOUR KIDS AS YOU'D LIKE - WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO GET THAT FREE TIME? WILL YOU HAVE IT DONE BEFORE THEY ARE GROWN AND GONE? IF THAT IS A CONCERN OF YOUR'S - CALL 1-800-256-7045 AND GET A FREE CASSETTE TAPE TELLING YOU WHAT DON IS DOING TO GET HIS TIME BACK BEFORE HIS THREE SONS ARE GONE AND IT'S TOO LATE.... DON ********************************************************************** KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. ********************************************************************** Seinfeld-isms, From the Washington Post What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too." Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly." Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu? If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway? Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white! Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not. ****************************************************************** BE ESPECIALLY KIND TO SOMEONE TODAY FOR NO REASON --- IT'S CONTAGIOUS ****************************************************************** Elevator Magic An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." ************************************************************************ DON'T USE THE CAT FLAP ON THE DOOR "In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany. "I suppose that the reason they're called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they're too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that." Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled. After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said 'Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously' and left me there." "People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said 'very good! Very clever!' and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me. In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they've now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn't entirely wasted." *************************************************************************** ********************************************************************** ODD SIGNS 1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs. 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car. 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. 16. ON A TELEVISION AD: Are you illiterate? If so, write to the Dept of Illiteracy in Baltimore Md.... 17. ON MOST PLANES AT THE EXIT ROWS: If you can't read these instructions, please notify a member of the flight crew. 18. ON A DOOR AT THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICE: No Admittance 19. ON CABLE CHANNEL TWO: If you're not receiving a cable signal, please call 595-4321. ************************************************************************ TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS 10) Ellen DeGeneres-- Suffocates in the closet 9) Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy 8) Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought 7) Frank Sinatra--Killed by Strangers in the Night 6) RuPaul--Prostate cancer 5) O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide 4) Madonna--Exposure 3) Unabomber--Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage" 2) Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease and the *Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS: 1) Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window ************************************************** TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TONIGHT - TURN OFF THE TV - TALK WITH YOUR KIDS - READ A BOOK TO THEM - SHOW THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM - ACTIONS SPEAK MUCH LOUDER THAN WORDS... ***************************************************** Memo to the Commissioner Subject: Letter of Recommendation Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be sent away as soon as possible. - TLP Project Leader ----------------------------------------------------------------- Crafty Fun: People have smelled a rat by this time, but can you figure out what's really going on before reading the follow-up memo below? ---------------------------------------------------------------- (Later that afternoon another memo was sent...) Memo to the Commissioner Subject: Letter of Recommendation Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7...) for my true assessment of him. Regards, TLP Project Leader ******************************************************* HOW TO BUILD AN ATOM BOMB The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25/Number 4/1979. P.O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411 1.INTRODUCTION Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction. The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts. The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format. 2.CONSTRUCTION METHOD 1.First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier (see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood. 2.Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely. 3.Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil. 4.Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together. 5.Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item. 6.Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point. 7.Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling. 8.To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no return. 9.Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable. 10.Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense. 3.THEORY OF OPERATION The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction (discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion! 4.NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month! 5.NOTES 1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum. 6.PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS 1.Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979 2.Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979 3.Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979 4.Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979 5.Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979 ******************************************************* YOUR TELEVISION COST YOU MORE THAN YOUR HOUSE! IF YOU STOP AND THINK WHAT 2 HOURS OF TV A WEEK HAS COST YOU, YOU'LL AGREE. WHY TWO HOURS? I SPEND TWO HOURS A WEEK BUILDING MY OWN RESIDUAL INCOME BUSINESS. WITHIN A FEW SHORT YEARS - IT WILL MAKE ME MORE EACH YEAR THAN MY HOUSE COST AND MY HOUSE IS MORE THAN 3,000 SQ FT, DIVING POOL, HOT TUB, 2 1/2 CAR GARAGE, WORKSHOP, STORAGE BUILDING, ETC... THINK ABOUT IT - HOW MUCH DOES YOUR TV COST YOU EACH WEEK? IF YOU WANT A FREE AUDIO CASSETTE TAPE TELLING YOU HOW YOU COULD BE USING THAT TWO HOURS TO BECOME FINANICALLY INDEPENDENT - CALL DON SELF AT 1-800-256-7045 ********************************************************** A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?" ****************************************************** STUPID IS AS LAWYER DOES: William Lee Monroe, 28, presented a novel defense in his trial for arson. When he moved out of his Fort Worth,Texas, apartment, he stole the flat's refrigerator, light bulbs, and gas stove -- but he didn't seal off the gas line, investigators said. The resulting explosion injured five people, two seriously. Monroe's defense: he was too stupid to know that leaking gas was dangerous. "Stupid is as stupid does," offered his defense attorney, Peter Fleury. The jury rejected Monroe's "Forrest Gump Defense" and found him guilty. He faces up to 40 years in prison. (AP) ...Life is like a box of matches. ********************************************************* Children's Letters to God Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene ********************************************************* ********************************************************************** DON SELF & ASSOCIATES www.donself.com/jokes.html