A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." ****************** Paint the lines A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired. The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day. The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out." The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged." The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him." The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" The man replied "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket." ******************** KEEP IT DRY!! While working in an ER, we had a patient from the pickle factory with an eye injury. The odor of the pickles was quite strong. The Doctor treated her eye injury with antibiotics and an eye patch. As we were giving the patient discharge instructions, she asked if she could shower to rid herself of the pickle odor. We told her no because her eye patch couldn't get wet. Her next question was, "Well, how about if I wrap a plastic bag tightly around my head and then shower?" ************************************************ BEWARE THE "C" WORD I had a post op patient that was unable to void and asked, "Have you ever been catheterized?" "No, but almost. I was in the hospital once and they were going to cath me but I misunderstood and thought they were going to castrate me, so I got up and left." ********************************************** FOLLOWING THE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER A physician seeing a patient in the office found his dressing over a wound to be extremely loose, and asked the patient why this was. The patient answered, "Well, you told me not to get the bandage wet, so whenever I take a shower, I take it off, so it doesn't get wet." *********************************************** Children's Letters to God Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene *********************************************** A little boy needed $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President [no flames please!]. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5.00. He thought $5.00 would be lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows: Dear God, Than you very much for sending the money. I noticed that You had to send it through Washington; as usual, those morons deducted $95.00. Thanks anyway! ************************************************* THE HERMIT Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay. First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man's spiritual needs were being fulfilled. The team made it's way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well. The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar. Cautiously, they walked inside. Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement. At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, "Oh yes!" the Psychologist spoke. "This very clearly explains this man's desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb." "Nonsense!" exclaimed the Engineer. "This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius." The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. "I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created." At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove. The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke. "Well...had to fix stove pipe...plenty of wire...not enough stove pipe!" ******************************************** CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Easter, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. ************************************************** A Dictionary Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire." Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ... anyway. ************************************************ BLONDE SELLING HER CAR A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." ***************************************************** Noahs Ark (if it happened today) And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping...And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yhard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission." "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being." "Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint fromt he Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think i can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." *********************************************** AGE HAPPENS A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle) Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent. The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle) As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. (Robert Benchley) The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns. I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee) You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet. You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news-- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. "The first law of politics: Never say anything in a national campaign that anyone might remember." Eugene McCarthy Old age is better than the alternative. ****************************************************** THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT An 80 year old man went for his annual checkup and the doctor said, "Friend for your age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep, it comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean, when you get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord, Himself, turns on the light for you?" "Yep." the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns on the light for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said, "your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns on the light for him." "He what???" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom the Lord turns on the light for him." "A-ha!!!" she exclaimed. "So that's the smell inside the refrigerator!" ************************************************** What is the Speed Limit? A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this: Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?" Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit." Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number." Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that." Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly. Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?" Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago." ********************************* Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ... *********************************************** Primate Committee Thinking Experiment =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new onem makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been around here." Sound familiar? ***************************************************** At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figure out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin' all that time?" ***************************************** The millionare with alligators" Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter, who won the Miss America contest to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy, dripping wet & obviously nervous, says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!! *********************************** Note from Don - Angie (my wife) is a blond and my 16 year old son is always bringing home blonde jokes - here's a few of them - yes - they are dumb! (the jokes - not my wife!!!) Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe! Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night! Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold! Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11??? A: She didn't know which 1 came first! Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? A: She tried to drown it! Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff! Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it! Q: Why do blondes like lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture! Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads! Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees! Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner? A: Reservations! Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde? A:Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool! Q : how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter? A : she got cold and turned off the fan. Q : What was the blonde doing up in the tree? A : She was raking leaves. Q : How can you tell a blonde has been in the bathroom? A : There is make-up all over the mirror Q : What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!! ******************************** A silly story has been going around about a young man who was hitchhiking through one of our Southern states. A farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they rode along, they got to talking about the local moonshine whiskey. The young man said he didn't drink very much. Moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes. "Nonsense!" said the farmer. "You gotta try some." He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. "Here," he said, handing the jar to the lad. "Take a drink!" "Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "I really don'tthink I care for any." "No, I insist," pressed the farmer. "Have some." "No, thanks--really," said the young man. The farmer wasn't going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, "I said, take a drink!" "Okay! Okay!" said the young man. "I've changed my mind! I guess I will have some after all." The young man took a few swallows before he realized how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound. "What do you think of it?" asked the farmer. "Good, ain't it?" "Yeah," gasped the lad, "I guess so." Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. "Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me take a drink!" ***************************************************** Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights. **************************************************** Paul Harvey, in his book FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, tells about a county jail in south Florida where jail officials found a plastic trash bag hanging to the bars of a cell. Inside was Jimmy Jones, a prisoner who hoped he'dget taken out with the trash. And he might have--except during roll call his reflexes took over. And when the name Jimmy Jones was called... From inside the bag came a muffled response: "Here." ******************************* Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords. ================================================================ I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. I awoke this morning and found my water boiling. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. *************** So, How'd You Break Your Arm? A group went on a holiday ski trip to Colorado, the conditions were perfect - 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, and a "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods. "No one would even notice," he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned wrong. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers. The woman skied, if you define the term loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her embarrassment, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the hospital. In the Emergency Room, she was recouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?," she asked ... making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the ski lift! So, how'd you break your arm?" ******************** LUCKY DOG (supposedly a true story) [October, 1993--Europa Times] ``We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog,'' Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. ``He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all.'' Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. ``I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days.'' Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: ``No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly.'' ********************************************** DON SELF EMAIL: DONSELF@DONSELF.COM