CAUTION - ONE JOKE HALFWAY THROUGH TODAY'S JOKES IS SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR - BUT IT IS SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY AND IT'S HILARIOUS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF IT OFFENDS - IT CONTAINS NO VULGARITY, BUT DOES HAVE A DOUBLE MEANING TO IT. DON'S JOKES - 4/16/98 - ****************************************** A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering. *************************************** Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy". *************************************** Clyde and Orville want to get away from the farm and see the world. One day Clyde says to Orville, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Orville thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Clyde jumps first. He bounces at the end of the cord, when he comes back up, Orville notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Orville isn't able catch him, so Clyde falls again, bounces and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Orville just misses him and Clyde falls. This time, when he bounces back he's pretty messed up with a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Orville catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Clyde says, "No, the cord was fine. What the heck is a pinata?" *************************************** Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession. The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine." The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession." The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you think created the Chaos?" *************************************** What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. * If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. * If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. * If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. * If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. * If they are sleeping, they are Management material. * If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. * If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. * If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. * And if they've left early, put them in Sales. ***************************************** Top Ten New Advertising Campaign Themes for Accountants When The "Baltimore Business Journal" reported on August 25, 1995 about the image realignment wanted by accountants, they had no idea that Robert Prentice, Professor at the University of Texas at Austin would pick it up. They reported that "The industry's trade group plans to spend $3 million this year to make over the humble accountant's image." Mr. Prentice saw this as a call to action, and he quickly marshaled his students in LEB 380.17 (Liability of Accountants) to come up with pithy new slogans for use in the new marketing push. The results of their laborious efforts are here, in "Top Ten" format: 10. No matter how low we sink, we're always a step above lawyers. 9. Let the lawyers do the lying-- leave the manipulating to us. 8. We may be geeky, but at least we're not lawyers. 7. You may not like us, but at least we're not lawyers. (At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, I think I sense a pattern here!" But you'd be wrong -- read on!) 6. Just count it! 5. Have you hugged your accountant today? 4. If you don't look good, we don't look good. 3. After you pay our bill, the IRS's bill won't bother you. 2. We check to make sure you're balanced. --And, the Number 1 suggested marketing topic, formulated by Xavier: 1. Accountants: Always there to cover your assets! ********************************************* That's Strange A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" ********************************************* NOTE - THIS ONE MAY BE A LITTLE MATURE FOR YOUNGER AUDIENCES - BUT IT IS FUNNY!!! True Cop Stories The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes. --- A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -of handcuffs. --- A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing. --- A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of cash. ********************************************* Don Self, BFMA, CSS