DON'S JOKES 4/17/98 ****************************************** MANAGED FRIENDSHIP ***************************** Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features. How Does It Work? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened Accredited Friendship Providers (AFPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff. What's Wrong with my Current Friends? If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your Designated Best Friend (DBF), who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships. How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own? Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they wantto focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty. What if I need a Special Friend, say, for Poker or Fishing? Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Designated Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship. Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network? You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency. What is a Friendship Emergency? The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline). What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan? Friendly Activities that are typically covered include: - Agreeing with you - Appearing sympathetic - Chewing the fat - Dropping by - Feeling your pain - Gossiping - Hanging out - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)* - Joshing - Kidding around - Listening to you whine - Partying - Passing the time - Patting your back - Ribbing - Sharing a meal - Shooting the breeze - Slinging the bull - Teasing *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan? Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to): - Bar hopping - Bending over backwards - Drinking to excess - Giving a hoot - Going the extra mile - Lending money - Real empathy - Sexual favors - Truly caring - Using illicit drugs How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan? A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met. Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me? We do. That's what friends are for. ********************************************** ********************************************** The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions. Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions. American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States. The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses. The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI. 60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return. Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined. AND THAT IS ONLY THE FEDERAL TAX---NOT COUNTING STATE, LOCAL, PROPERTY, SALES TAX, ETC. **************************------------------------------ Author of Books Never judge a book by its author - --------------------------------------------------- Is O. J. Guilty?..............Howard I. Know Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax French Overpopulation.........Francis Crowded Fallen Underwear .............Lucy Lastic Downpour! ....................Wayne Dwops Cloning ......................Ima Dubble Irish Flooring ...............Lynn O'Leum I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth Inflammation, Please .........Arthur Itis Handel's Messiah .............Ollie Luyah House Construction ...........Bill Jerome Home Unemployed ...................Anita Job Off to Market ................Tobias A. Pigg Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard Home Alone IV ................Eddie Buddyhome Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat Neither a Borrower ...........Nora Lender Bee The French Chef ..............Sue Flay Tight Situation ..............Leah Tard The Scent of a Man ...........Jim Nasium Why Cars Stop ................M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows ..........Russell Ingleaves Look Younger .................Fay Slift Mountain Climbing ............Andover Hand It's Springtime! .............Theresa Green No! ..........................Kurt Reply And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe ******************************************* More Tax Humor The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "No, I just work for the I.R.S." ********************************************** ********************************************** March 29th-March 30th, Silicon Valley Logic conducted phone interviews with 1,007 American citizens of voting age. The following results were obtained: Question 1: Are you aware of the legal difficulties that President Clinton currently faces? Yes-984 No-23 Question 2: Are you aware of the accusation that President Clinton committed perjury (lied under oath) before a judge in a court proceeding? Yes-897 No-110 Question 3: Do you believe that the perjury law should be enforced against the President if he committed that crime? Yes-485 No-522 Question 4: Are you aware of the accusation that President Clinton obstructed justice (attempted to interfere with a legal proceeding) in the Paula Jones case? Yes-857 No-150 Question 5: Do you believe that the obstruction of justice law should be enforced against the President if he committed that crime? Yes-403 No-604 Question 6: Do you believe the President is doing well at his job? Yes-766 No-241 Question 7: (Multiple Choice) Which of the following describes the President's job in the United States Constitution? A) (755) To make the laws of the United States. B) (238) To enforce the laws of the United States. C) (14) To interpret the laws of the United States. Question 8: Do you think that someone whose job is to make the laws of the United States should be allowed to keep their job if they break the laws of the United States? Yes-31 No-945 Depends on the circumstances-31 Question 9: Do you think that someone whose job is to enforce the laws of the United States should be allowed to keep their job if they break the laws of the United States? Yes-5 No-932 Depends on the circumstances-70 Question 10: Do you think that someone whose job is to interpret the laws of the United States should be allowed to keep their job if they break the laws of the United States? Yes-51 No-836 Depends on the circumstances-120 Question 11: Did you vote in the November, 1994 congressional elections? Yes-339 No-619 Don't Remember-35 Wasn't Old Enough-19 Question 12: Do you know what the word "hypocrisy" means? Correctly defined "hypocrisy"--216 Couldn't define "hypocrisy"--791 Question 13: Do you hold a college degree or currently attend college? Yes-311 No-696 52% of those polled (522/1007) didn't believe that the perjury laws should be enforced against President Clinton if he lied under oath. And every single one of those individuals said they believe the President's doing a good job. Of those 522 individuals, 92% were unable to identify the President's constitutional mandate as the chief law enforcement officer of our country. While 522 individuals didn't believe that Bill Clinton, the individual personality, should be prosecuted for committing perjury, 88% of those 522 individuals believed that "the person responsible for enforcing the nation's laws should be prosecuted if he violates the laws that it is his job to enforce." If this cross-section of America is representative, then 45% of Americans believe that "a President" should be prosecuted for breaking the laws of the United States, but not "Bill Clinton, President" in particular. Looking more carefully at this group of Americans, we see that only 18% voted in the 1994 congressional midterm elections, and only 8% know the definition of the word "hypocrite", which clearly applies to them. This group is far less educated than the population at large: only 14% of the 522 held college diplomas, as opposed to 34% of the entire polling sample. **************************************************** Why ask Why? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do noses run and feet smell? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you suffer from diabetes, arthritis, allergies, asthma, hip pain, psoriasis, toothaches, depression, ADD, CHF, COPD, influenza, etc... visit my web site page that has some possible solutions - see the testimonials: http://www.gower.net/donself/testimony.html ******************************************** Clinton in the Land of Oz President clinton, VP AlGore, and Ted Kennedy, are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.. When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.. Algore says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Kennedy responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a drink." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?" ************************************************** visit my jokes page: http://www.donself.com/jokes.html