DON'S CLEAN JOKES - 04/28/98 http:.//www.donself.com/jokes.html *********************************** THE RULES: I saw these years ago and I felt I should pass them along. gentleman, read carefully. 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. 19. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there. ********************************************** Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. *********************************************** Rev. Warren J. Keating, pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ,says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" meant. A little boy raised his hand and said, "It means `Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!" On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied, "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." A student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. His answer: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then asked, And God threw him back down?" Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" He said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?" My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife replied. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ***************************************** Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?) Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. *********************************************** As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off booksand supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said. ************************************************************** Americans Inundated with Too Many Reports, Report Says A 476 page report issued by the Government Commission on Information Resources and Acronyms (GCIRA) reveals that Americans are now forced to deal with too many reports. The report concludes that "a sheer increase in the percentage of the reduction in the quantity of reports would be beneficial to the population at large. Furthermore, it would also be advantageous for the length of documents to be downgraded significantly through a reduction in the amount of overused verbiage whose only purpose would seem to be to confuse the reader." President Clinton praised the findings of this study. "This is an excellent report, but we must remember that this is only a beginning. The Government Commission on Information Resources and Acronyms must continue its fine work by conducting more studies and issuing more reports so that we might further understand the complexities of this very real problem. In the meantime, I have created a Special Task Force under Vice President Gore which will explore the ramifications of the suggestions offered by the GCIRA. I very much look forward to reading their report." The President told members of the Washington press corps who were largely asleep. "Heading this Special Task Force is an excellent opportunity. I look forward to finding a solution so that we may all live in a future that is unburdened by unnecessary paperwork." The Vice President said in a written statement. *********************************************** Disney Attempts to Buy ESPN An attempt by the Walt Disney Co. to purchase part of ESPN ran into difficulty yesterday when at the last minute it was determined that Disney already owned half of the sports network. "Well, shoot. I didn't know that." Disney CEO Michael Eisner told reporters. "I knew we owned ABC and all, but I never realized ABC owned ESPN." Privately, he revealed that it was sometimes difficult for him to keep track of all the companies Disney owned. ESPN President Keith Patrick confirmed that Disney does indeed own half of ESPN. While Patrick says that he thought Disney knew of their ownership, he admits that ESPN has in the past tried to downplay the Disney ownership. "Well, sure, we didn't want those freaky-people [Disney] to know about it. I mean, we just figured they'd make us be happy all the time and put up posters of The Lion King or Hercules or something," he said. ************************************************** The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980 They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression Their lifetime has always included AIDS Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one The digital Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They have no idea what "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."means. They don't know that "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" is Jenny's phone number. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard the term "Where's the beef?" ************************************ Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." ************************************* A Huey Cobra practicing auto rotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard: Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!" *************************************** The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting. * By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better. *Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. *The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. *On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. *She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. *The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. *Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. *Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. *The patient refused an autopsy. *The patient has no past history of suicides. *The patient expired on the floor uneventfully. *Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. *Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency. *The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. *The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints. **************************************** CHILI CONTEST! Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity from TEXAS to be a judge at a chili cook-off, basically because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a writer and known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich m aneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kind of cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. FRANK: Is that you mama? ********************************************* OK - I CAN'T RESIST - THIS IS A TRUE STORY OF WHEN I (DON) WAS STATIONED IN ICELAND. In 1977-78, I was in the Navy in Iceland and living in the barracks (as all American servicemen do there) and being from Texas, I had been known to "brag" alittle about Texas chili. A few of the guys got together and made up a batch of "chili" in the barracks kitchen (which was just across the hall from my room) and came in and told me that I had to be the "judge" of it since I was from Texas. Unbeknownst to them, I sweated, strained and felt pain when I ate an onion and would not willingly touch a pepper to my lips for anything less than a night out with Miss America .... with one exception.... Texas pride. I nonchalantly walked into the kitchen, and my eyes were riveted on this pan on the stove that appeared to be melting. The guys dished me up a big bowl (I knew that anything larger than a tablespoon was going to be trouble) and set it in front of me at the table. I smelled it and immediately my sinus' were cleared for the first time in 2 months (Iceland is full of volanic dust). I casually picked up the spoon (noticing that the engraving on the handle had become smooth) and put it into my mouth. Instantly, I was reminded of some of the hellfire and damnation sermons I had heard as a child in Baptist Revival tents in Dallas. Outperforming Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, I kept my face from revealing the pain my mouth was experiencing. The guys asked me how it was and when I felt it was safe to open my mouth without setting off the smoke alarms in the barracks, I replied "It's ok - but I think you should have included some Jalapenos in it to give it some seasoning". It worked - they were impressed as they said "We included every kind of pepper we could find in the commisary - and it was too hot for us to eat". They looked upon me as a god at that moment. I knew it from their voices. I couldn't tell by looking at them, as my vision was blurred beyond seeing anything. I quickly finished the bowl and grunted that I had to get ready for my shift, and complimented them on an excellent chili. I knew from experience as a child that the only two things that would quinch the nuclear meltdown in my mouth and stomach was milk or sticking a type 2 fire extenguisher into my throat and spraying full force, so I walked back to my room across the hall and casually shut the door behind me. I knew there were two quarts of milk in the refrigerator in my room and as soon as the door shut, I lept the 10 feet to the refrigerator, jerked it open and proceeded to down one quart without breathing and then followed quickly with the 2nd one. My roommate sat up on his bunk where he had been reading and after I told him what had transpired, he laughed so hard that he fell off the bunk and he was on the top bunk. Being from Nebraska, no one had ever challenged him to taste their corn on the cob so he felt safe. That was the LAST time that I have ever put anything into my mouth that had ever been within a foot of jalapeno peppers. Don ***************** Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done." Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves." A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" Human Resource Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter finishes her summer classes." ***************************** A group of kindergarten kids are on a class trip to the local police station and a cop shows them the Wanted Posters for the 10 Most Wanted men. One of the kids says, "Why didn't you lock him up after you took his picture?" ****************************** The Technologically Challenged -- True Stories from Tech Support (excerpted from the Wall Street Journal) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't see the printer. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse. *************************** The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)" 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic. ******************************************* I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THESE - IF SO - PRINT THEM OR FORWARD THEM TO A FRIEND. PUT A SMILE ON SOMEONE ELSE'S FACE TODAY AND REMEMBER TO THANK THE LORD FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE, ALL THAT YOU HAVE AND ALSO - ALL THAT YOU ARE NOT. DON