Here are the jokes - The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms: Benign...................What you be after you be eight. Artery...................The study of paintings. Bacteria.................Back door to cafeteria. Barium...................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome. CTscan...................Searching for kitty. Cauterize................Made eye contact with her. Colic....................A sheep dog. Coma.....................A punctuation mark. D & C....................Where Washington is. Dilate...................To live long. Enema....................Not a friend. Fester...................Quicker than someone else. Fibula...................A small lie. Genital..................Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series..............World Series of military baseball. Hangnail.................What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff............A Doctor's cane. Morbid...................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates.................Cheaper than day rates. Node.....................I knowed it. Outpatient...............A patient who has fainted. Pap Smear................A fatherhood test. Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative...........A letter carrier. Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery. Rectum...................Darn near killed him. Secretion................Hiding something. Seizure..................Roman emperor. Tablet...................A small table. Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the airport. Tumor....................More than one. Urine....................Opposite of you're out. Varicose.................Near by or close by. ***************************************** Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black!!!???" **************************************** You Make A Difference A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. Using a process developed by Helice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference." Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week. One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, givethem a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.Then please report back to me and tell me what happened." Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permisson to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed itright on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people." That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. "My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You're a great kid and I love you!" The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I don't need to." - ***************************** You are under no obligation to send this on to two people or to two hundred. As far as I am concerned, you can delete it and move on to the next message. But if you have anyone who means a lot to you, I encourage you to send them this message and let them know. You never know what kind of difference a little encouragement can make to a person. Send it to all of the people who mean anything important to you, or send it to the one or two people who mean the most. Or just smile and know that someone thinks that you are important, or you wouldn't have received this in the first place. Remember that! ******************************* Another Blonde Joke A blonde woman is driving along a country road, out in rolling hills of the Midwest, when she sees some movement off in the distance. As she gets closer, she realizes that it is another blonde woman in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing the boat like crazy. She stops her car at the side of the road and gets out. She yells out to the blonde in the rowboat, "what the &$%%# are you doing?" The blonde in the boat, obviously flustered, yells back, "I have got to hurry up and get home in time for dinner or I will be in real trouble!" The blonde at the side of the road is aggravated. "I can't believe this! You are out in the middle of a field in a row boat! It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name!" "In fact, if I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your butt!!" ********************************* I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and said, "Why'd God throw him back down?" ****************************** The Art Collector (copied from Tea & Coffee Blessings) Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors around the world. As winter approached, war engulfed the nation, and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The artcollector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his sonagain. Within days, his fears were confirmed, the young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic. Distraught and lonely, the old manfaced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season, that he and his son had so looked forward to, would visit his house no longer. On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed, old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hands. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you." As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told everyone of his, not to mention his father's, loveof fine art. "I am an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal aportrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail. Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace. A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars worth of art. His task completed, the old man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given. During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched. He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease his grief. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received. The following spring, the old man became ill and passed away. The art world was in anticipation, that with the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas Day, the day he had received the greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings. Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would hope to claim, "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid, but the room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?"he asked. Minutes passed, and no one spoke. From the back of the room came a voice, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son." "Let's forget about it and move on to the good stuff," more voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer. "Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a neighbor of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it." "I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice, gone." The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on the real treasures!" The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced that the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean, it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars worth of art here! I demand that you explain what is going on!" The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son...gets it all." AMEN! ***************************** Resume Mistakes How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: *"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." *"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." *"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." * "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." * "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." * "I am a rabid typist." *"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." * "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." * "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." * "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." *"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." *"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." *"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." * "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." * "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." * "I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant." * "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil." * "Qualifications: No education or experience." * "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." * "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." * "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" * Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" ******************************* The Panda A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." ***************************** His name is John. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kinda esoteric and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it. One day John decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T- shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so John starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. John gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet. (Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, trust me, this had never happened in this church before!) By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward John. Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, a three-piece suit, and a pocket watch. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves, "You can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?" It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The people are thinking, "The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do." And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to John and worships with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget." ********************************************* A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued, and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had lost in "the fires." However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms. **************************** Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 95 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Costello: Hey, Abbot! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't know- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off. Abbot: I know, you press the Start button- Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. Abbot: I did. Costello: When? Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button. Costello: Why should I press the Start button? Abbot: To shut off the computer. Costello: I press Start to stop. Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer. Costello: I knew it! So what do I press? Abbot: Start. Costello: Start what? Abbot: Start button. Costello: Start button to do what? Abbot: Shut down. Costello: You don't have to get rude! Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. Costello: Then say what you mean. Abbot: To shut down the computer, press- Costello: Don't say, "Start!" Abbot: Then what do you want me to say? Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. Abbot: But that's what you do. Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. Abbot: Don't be ridiculous. Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation. Abbot: What are you talking about? Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. ************************************* This is the "Official Moron Test." It separates the dumb people from the really dumb people. Answer the following 13 questions, then scroll down and check your answers. DON'T CHEAT!!! When you are done, count the number correct and see how you compare to others. OK, here we go...... 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? 4. How many outs are there in an inning? 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark? 11. A butcher in the market is 5'-10" tall. What does he weigh? 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? 13. What was the President's name in 1960? ***************************************** A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!" ******************************************** THE STARFISH Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean. As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?" The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean." "I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?" "The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die." "But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can't possibly make a difference!" The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, "It made a difference for that one." There is something very special in each and every one of us. We have all been gifted with the ability to make a difference. And if we can become aware of that gift, we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future. We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the world will be blessed. ***************************************** MORON TEST ANSWERS So how do you think you did? Here are the answers.... 1. Yes. It comes right after the 3rd. 2. One (1). You can only be born once. 3. Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days. 4. Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning. 5. No. He must be dead if it is his widow! 6. Seventy (70). 30 divided by 1/2 is 60. 7. Two (2). You take two apple...therefore, YOU have TWO apples. 8. One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an hour has passed. 9. Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die. 10. None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark? 11. Meat...that is self-explanatory. 12. Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE...it's a dozen! 13. Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name. So, how did you do? 13 correct....GENIUS....you are good! 10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE....but don't let it go to your head 7-9 correct....AVERAGE....but who wants to be average? 4-6 correct....SLOW....Apply for a job at a convenience store 1-3 correct....IDIOT....Perhaps you should be in the Clinton Administration 0 correct....CONGRATULATIONS, you qualify to vote Democrat in the next election ********************************************************************* Taken from tests of fifth and sixth graders: The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. Someday, we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around up there these days. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let people know they're there. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places. Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. In some rocks, you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the person is dead. Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. One of the main causes of dust is janitors. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator. ********************************************* "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." If you know someone as honest as the day is long, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to lend them money in the wintertime I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination. "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." "If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?" ********************************************** Top 10 list of what Moms really want for Mother's Day 10) To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a Coke without any "floaters." 9) To have my 14-year-old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8) Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty. 7) A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi ya, Mom!" just as I put razor to my ankle. 6) A full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt. 5) For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4) A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3) To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions. 2) To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and not have some pencil-neck-yuppie-geek moan, "Oh, no! Why me?" 1) Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison **************************************** BUT FIRST SYNDROME I call it "But-First" Syndrome. YOU know. It's when you decide to do the laundry. So you start down the stairs with the laundry, but then see the newspapers on the table. OK, you'll do the laundry. BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. So on your way in to put the newspapers away, you notice the mail on the table. OK, you'll put the newspapers away. BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. So you look for the checkbook. Oops...there's the baby's bottle from yesterday on the floor. OK, you'll pay the bill. BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink. You head for the kitchen. Darn it, there's the remote for the TV. What's it doing here? Okay, you'll put the bottle in the sink. BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the TV room. Aaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, you'll put the remote away. BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat... So, here's what happens at the end of the day.... Laundry not done, newspapers on the floor, bottle on the table, bills unpaid, checkbook still lost, cat ate the remote control...... And, when you try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, you are baffled because...........................you KNOW you were BUSY ALL DAY!! That's the "BUT-FIRST" Syndrome." ************************************ Real stories from Flight Attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines..... Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, noboby loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down." About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." Dictionary: Landing: (noun) a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. ********************************************* A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" ****************************************** Dog Breeding For all you dog lovers out there, here are some of the lessor known breeds that are being bred in different parts of the United States, Crossbeed Dogs: Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end ************************************************************ A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti women replied, "Land mines." ********************************************** Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions. ********************************************** Volunteer Fire Department A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts. The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," he responded. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck." ********************************************** Our little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and he handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said: For cutting the grass $5.00 For cleaning my room this week 5.00 For going to the store for you .50 Baby-sitting my kid brother for you while you went shopping .25 Taking out the garbage $1.00 For getting a good report card $5.00 For cleaning up and raking the yard $2.00 Total Owed: $14.75 Well, I'll tell you, his mother looked at him standing there expectantly, and boy, could I see the memories flashing through her mind. So she picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote: For the nine months I carried you while you grew inside me, No Charge. For all the nights I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you, No Charge. For all the trying times, and all the tears you've caused through the years, No Charge. When you add it all up, the cost of my love is, No Charge. For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead, No Charge. For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose, there's No Charge, Son. And when you add it all up, the full cost of real love is No Charge. Well, friends, when our son finished reading what his mother had written, there were great big old tears in his eyes, and he looked straight up at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you." And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote : "PAID IN FULL." "No Charge" was written by Gospel singer Shirley Ceasar. It was also a country song produced by Howard-Sony Tree Publishing Co., Inc. and sung by Melba Montgomery. ********************************