MAY 23, 1998 DON'S CLEAN JOKES. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame, as he had merely been listening to his walkman. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You've guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. ***************************** I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Don't ask, I never did). What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldn't wait to test it, so I called Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug, and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason in the passenger seat up front, and took off. I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting tangled in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window. Can you guess what that little red tag was for? Yep, that darned raft started to inflate right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of "this really can't be happening!" In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering wheel hard enough that I couldn't really see where I was going, and started pushing the windows that weren't down out of their frames, and onto the road. By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully inflated. I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was laughing like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me when all this started had turned on his siren. I finally got the car to the center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time breathing. I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat coherent. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could and went back to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the OHP cop. I can look back on this now and laugh. But for about 5 years after that happened, anytime someone (Jason usually) mentioned it, all I could do was turn red in the face. *********************************** A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. ****************************************** "I have been following this issue for many years, and in my opinion, gravity is getting worse than ever. For example, last year several hundred alert readers sent me articles from various publications concerning an incident that occurred in the Sea of Japan, wherein a Japanese fishing boat was sunk by a falling cow. It seems the crew of a Russian military cargo jet had stolen some cows in Siberia and was flying them home when the cows became upset, perhaps because there was no in-flight movie. So the cows stampeded, and the crew, fearing that the plane would crash, opened the cargo door and let the cows run out of the plane at an altitude of 30,000 feet, which is somewhat in excess of the Recommended Safe Falling Distance for Cows of 1.3 inches. So you had these cows raining down on the Sea of Japan, and one of them, unfortunately, failed to land on George Steinbrenner. But it did allegedly strike the Japanese fishing boat, which sank. The fishermen all survived, although I am betting that they had an unpleasant talk with their insurance agent." **************************************** Only in the US Legal System A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued...and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms. ******************************** A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" ******************************** A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!" ************************************* Follow the exercise as dictated below. READ this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see answer below * Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married. - - - - - * A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he was doing. He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife." - - - - - * Just think. When Eve said she had nothing at all to wear -- She meant it ! ****************************************** Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! ******************************************* A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from a nearby town was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made. Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts. The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," responded the captain. "The first thing we're gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck." ********************************************** ANSWER TO THE NUMBER OF F's: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's"......WEIRD! ********************************************** Once there were two star Auburn (he he) football players that had failed a test, and could not play football in the championship game. So, after a lot of begging from the coach, the teacher finally let the two take the test again. They took the test, and turned it in. The coach and the two students watched carefully over the teacher grading the tests. She checked over the first test, then over the second test. Half way through the second test she stopped and put a great big "F" on both tests. The coach was furious and demanded an explanation. She said that they had cheated. "Why?" the coach asked. The teacher showed him number six. The coach looked at number six on the first test. The answer read "I don't know." The coach said that it didn't prove anything. So, the teacher handed him the second test. The answer read "I don't know either." ************************************************* I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy 12, and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died 5 years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money. By 1946 my older sisters were married, and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter, the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially. When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. Then we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us baby sat for everyone we could. For 15 cents, we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1. We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives. Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so we figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the Pastor had reminded everyone to save for the sacrificial offering. The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change. We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before. That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering. We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet. But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt so rich. When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us girls put in a $20. As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1. Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our mom and dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the fork or the spoon that night. We had two knives which we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor. That Easter Day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed that I didn't want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor! I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew we were poor. I decided I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way. Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun-dried bricks, but they need money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week. Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering. When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church." Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100." We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus. **************************************** Letters to Dear Abby (not printed in newspaper) DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. These two women go everywhere together and One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. We have never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? -- Curious. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? * * * * * DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile, he has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He says he's saving for a rainy day. -- FORTY-YEARS HITCHED DEAR Hitched: Tell him it's raining! * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? -- KAY DEAR Kay: Only if they don't work. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? -- Curious DEAR Curious: No, it's the last thing I want to do. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? -- Jake DEAR Jake: Yes, and also hazardous. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? -- Annie DEAR Annie: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? -- SAM IN CAL DEAR Sam: Yes, Run for public office. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? -- TED DEAR Ted: The Bureau of Internal Revenue. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you?" -- Rita DEAR Rita: It depends on what you've heard. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. -- ROSE DEAR Rose: So would I. * * * * * DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? -- BESS DEAR BESS: Night and Day. *************************************** With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society... LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions. DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be determined: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors." ********************************** Top 10 things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman: 10. I wish he wouldn't waste all that money on chocolate and flowers and buy something practical, like an iron. 9. I can't wait for the play-offs! 8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy! 7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices! 6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day! 5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him. 4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody. 3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both. 2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself! 1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim? ****** Top 10 things you'll never hear one guy say to another guy: 10. She'll never understand that sometimes I just want to cuddle. 9. Our team lost 10-1. But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing. 8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go braless. 7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials. 6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them! 5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably. 4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous. 3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth! 2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis? 1. Does my bottom look fat in this? ************************************* ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES * A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. * Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. * (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. * "Hi. Now you say something." * "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." * "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? * (From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner! * "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets." * "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.' * "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call." * "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you." * "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back." * "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message." * "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message." * "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." * Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. * "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you." ******************************* MERMAID WISHES Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking... it'll change your entire view on the universe... won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy inisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done. ........... And he became a woman. ***********************************